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Hydra -
You may well note that both your father and I have refrained from communicating with you via the journals ever since your trial began. This is intentional on my part, for it would not do to impress upon your patrons that I am the one guiding your every move. (Does that small one, Moon, believe that his exchanges with Tosha go unnoticed, or that they are dismissed as pertaining solely to classroom query?) However, it would not do for your patrons to believe me entirely removed from the outcome of your initiation, either. If they possess any kind of insight at all, they will have already surmised that I am most definitely invested, and that only one outcome is possible. Nevertheless, you must prove that your actual worth is equal to that which is suggested by your family name and reputation.
As word of your legilimency skills spreads - as it no doubt already has - you will find that people approach you with caution. They will flatter you, be on their best behaviour, or else quickly find an excuse to depart your company. Expect to lose many friendships. People will not trust you, but it doesn't matter, for you will soon learn that no one can be trusted, anyway. Not even those you feel closest to. The only one you can trust is yourself, and your Lord. Remember that my gift came to me at a younger age than it did you, and these are lessons that I learned well, and learned early.
Knowing you as I do, I'm sure that you doubt my words of caution. Give it time and you will see for yourself that I am right. Examine the thoughts of those you admire most and you will soon discover that inside the mind of every person crouches a low and frightened animal that fights only for itself. All thoughts of community, tradition, and righteousness are ideals that crumble in the wake of its own base needs. As much as its mouth may verbalise the opposite, as much as its mind may even try to convince itself of the opposite, in the end it will always give in to that animal. I have the experience to know this, and know it well.
In truth, though, I do advise you to drop into the heads of your friends and little mates, now and again. You are in a unique position to monitor their changing adolescent thoughts as they are exposed to the world around them. Bear in mind that a rebellious thought here or there does not a traitor make; patterns create bigger pictures, though, and bigger pictures leave us with stories. You will, at times, know someone else's story better than they do.
Which brings me to you, my daughter. I know very well how you see yourself, and how you fight to cast yourself as my opposite. Soft as I am hard, and cautious as I am bold. You do not see how in casting yourself as my opposite, you've built yourself entirely in my shadow. You have no mould, other than the one that made you. I saw what you were, as a child. I knew I would have to drive out the fear in you. That streak of sentimentality you inherited from your father and from my sister - I knew there was little to be done with that, but that shrinking, timid nature... I knew I could banish it. I could be the one to make you see you had no reason to fear anything.
Mind, there have been times when I wondered if I had failed, if your father's and aunt's interference hadn't spoiled you irreversibly. But when He chose you as His vessel, and when He used you to open the chamber, to wake the beast, I realised that I had succeeded, after all. For who else would be more perfect for Him than someone completely unafraid? Someone untainted by the immense greed of self-preservation?
You are fearless, as I am. There is no low, frightened animal inside you - it's long been dead because I killed it.
You can hate that about yourself, as I suspect you might. I advise you to forget about it. Those feelings are just echoes of a death rattle, and they will leave you in time.
Now, do continue to study those books that I've sent you. Should you have questions, I am willing to answer them - within reason. A degree of self-discovery and initiative is to be expected. After all, I had no one to tutor me, and I consider myself better off for it.
I await news of your progress.
You may well note that both your father and I have refrained from communicating with you via the journals ever since your trial began. This is intentional on my part, for it would not do to impress upon your patrons that I am the one guiding your every move. (Does that small one, Moon, believe that his exchanges with Tosha go unnoticed, or that they are dismissed as pertaining solely to classroom query?) However, it would not do for your patrons to believe me entirely removed from the outcome of your initiation, either. If they possess any kind of insight at all, they will have already surmised that I am most definitely invested, and that only one outcome is possible. Nevertheless, you must prove that your actual worth is equal to that which is suggested by your family name and reputation.
As word of your legilimency skills spreads - as it no doubt already has - you will find that people approach you with caution. They will flatter you, be on their best behaviour, or else quickly find an excuse to depart your company. Expect to lose many friendships. People will not trust you, but it doesn't matter, for you will soon learn that no one can be trusted, anyway. Not even those you feel closest to. The only one you can trust is yourself, and your Lord. Remember that my gift came to me at a younger age than it did you, and these are lessons that I learned well, and learned early.
Knowing you as I do, I'm sure that you doubt my words of caution. Give it time and you will see for yourself that I am right. Examine the thoughts of those you admire most and you will soon discover that inside the mind of every person crouches a low and frightened animal that fights only for itself. All thoughts of community, tradition, and righteousness are ideals that crumble in the wake of its own base needs. As much as its mouth may verbalise the opposite, as much as its mind may even try to convince itself of the opposite, in the end it will always give in to that animal. I have the experience to know this, and know it well.
In truth, though, I do advise you to drop into the heads of your friends and little mates, now and again. You are in a unique position to monitor their changing adolescent thoughts as they are exposed to the world around them. Bear in mind that a rebellious thought here or there does not a traitor make; patterns create bigger pictures, though, and bigger pictures leave us with stories. You will, at times, know someone else's story better than they do.
Which brings me to you, my daughter. I know very well how you see yourself, and how you fight to cast yourself as my opposite. Soft as I am hard, and cautious as I am bold. You do not see how in casting yourself as my opposite, you've built yourself entirely in my shadow. You have no mould, other than the one that made you. I saw what you were, as a child. I knew I would have to drive out the fear in you. That streak of sentimentality you inherited from your father and from my sister - I knew there was little to be done with that, but that shrinking, timid nature... I knew I could banish it. I could be the one to make you see you had no reason to fear anything.
Mind, there have been times when I wondered if I had failed, if your father's and aunt's interference hadn't spoiled you irreversibly. But when He chose you as His vessel, and when He used you to open the chamber, to wake the beast, I realised that I had succeeded, after all. For who else would be more perfect for Him than someone completely unafraid? Someone untainted by the immense greed of self-preservation?
You are fearless, as I am. There is no low, frightened animal inside you - it's long been dead because I killed it.
You can hate that about yourself, as I suspect you might. I advise you to forget about it. Those feelings are just echoes of a death rattle, and they will leave you in time.
Now, do continue to study those books that I've sent you. Should you have questions, I am willing to answer them - within reason. A degree of self-discovery and initiative is to be expected. After all, I had no one to tutor me, and I consider myself better off for it.
I await news of your progress.
From:
no subject
I shall say more when I've had time to ponder it further.
From,
Hydra
From:
no subject
I suppose you can imagine that I didn't much enjoy reading this, but after thinking it over I do appreciate the frankness of what you've shared. Both about legilimency and about how you see me. As to the first, I'm already learning a lot. As to the second, it is true that I'm not afraid of the same things as other people are, which does make me different.
But what I find most significant about what you wrote is how I must prove that my worth is equal to my name and reputation. And how I should take initiative. I would like to do that. I don't wish to ask for Daddy's or Aunt Narcissa's help anymore. I want to be able to make my own decisions and if they are bad ones, to suffer whatever consequences I deserve. Only then can I be judged by Him for whatever it is I am.
From,
Hydra
From:
no subject
It seems to me that you're well on your way to taking initiative. Or at least talking initiative.
Time will tell much - it always does.